Nobody Beats my Meat

Dear Diary:

Maple Leaf is now back in business! The days of playing Veal or No-Veal are over!

Maple Leaf Foods has been around since 1898, and my personal favourite for just about forever.

I remember their deli meats fondly from my youth -- maybe too fondly according to some. But now I'm very upset about the harm to their legacy, and to mine, caused by all that investigative reporting.

You see, last year my cabinet changed Canada's food inspection regime to scale down the regulatory framework and allow food producers to do more "Self-inspecting" instead. It's pure coincidence that 19 Canadians got sick and died right after the scaled-down requirements were implemented. So don't take any of these inquiries and analyses too seriously.

I am a strong believer in Self-inspecting and, with the help of wrapping myself in a big deli sandwich, Self-inspecting has become a deeply meaningful activity for me, helping me to relieve myself of stress during this difficult election time.

Nonetheless, Maple Leaf has now increased their tests for Listeria to once a week. Personally, I prefer my own Self-inspecting to be more frequent than that -- especially before a cabinet meeting. But for a big meat packager like them, once a week sounds pretty solid to me, especially given that they process around $3.5 billion worth of meat a year, which translates to about $67 million a week. That means that $67 million worth of meat passes through the plant between each swab test. This sounds quite speedy and efficient -- much like my own Self-inspections.

I say "Bravo" to Maple Leaf for holding their own during this incredible and unprecedented cascade of Deli Doom, and promise to continue keeping my Government's fingers out of Canada's corporate rectitude.