Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Nobody Beats my Meat

Dear Diary:

Maple Leaf is now back in business! The days of playing Veal or No-Veal are over!

Maple Leaf Foods has been around since 1898, and my personal favourite for just about forever.

I remember their deli meats fondly from my youth -- maybe too fondly according to some. But now I'm very upset about the harm to their legacy, and to mine, caused by all that investigative reporting.

You see, last year my cabinet changed Canada's food inspection regime to scale down the regulatory framework and allow food producers to do more "Self-inspecting" instead. It's pure coincidence that 19 Canadians got sick and died right after the scaled-down requirements were implemented. So don't take any of these inquiries and analyses too seriously.

I am a strong believer in Self-inspecting and, with the help of wrapping myself in a big deli sandwich, Self-inspecting has become a deeply meaningful activity for me, helping me to relieve myself of stress during this difficult election time.

Nonetheless, Maple Leaf has now increased their tests for Listeria to once a week. Personally, I prefer my own Self-inspecting to be more frequent than that -- especially before a cabinet meeting. But for a big meat packager like them, once a week sounds pretty solid to me, especially given that they process around $3.5 billion worth of meat a year, which translates to about $67 million a week. That means that $67 million worth of meat passes through the plant between each swab test. This sounds quite speedy and efficient -- much like my own Self-inspections.

I say "Bravo" to Maple Leaf for holding their own during this incredible and unprecedented cascade of Deli Doom, and promise to continue keeping my Government's fingers out of Canada's corporate rectitude.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Dear Diary:

Boy, was I impressed with Vladimir Putin when I met him!

He told me how he had shut down all opposition to
in the public media: newspaper, TV, everything!

That's such a cool idea! I hate reporters always asking challenging questions that put me on the defensive. They should have more respect than that. Who do these little snot-nosed reporters think they are, anyway?! After all, I'm the fucking Prime Minister!

So far, I've whipped the press gallery into shape, so I can control the questions they ask me. And, thankfully, Scrums are a thing of the past. They think I'm a wimp for running away from Scrums and reporters' tough questions. But I'm not. This is STRONG LEADERSHIP. People like strong leadership.

The next step is to decide how to punish that damn CBC! They constantly refuse to just parrot my press releases -- and actually want to do investigative reporting!

Maybe it's time to shut those bastards down for good, just like my buddy Vlad is doing in Russia. Over there, investigative journalism is now a crime.

In the survey I sent out recently, most Conservatives said they were happy to shut down or commercialize the CBC. Except that traitor Jim Abbott.

It'll take some work, but one day I will make people realize that Canadian culture is crap and that we should adopt American culture, American reporting style, and American ownership of Canadian Boadcasting.

Note to self: make this the next topic for a cabinet meeting.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Foot in Mouth Disease

Dear Diary,

The pesky media is after me again. Apparently, one of my Transport Minister's assistants made some untoward comments regarding aboriginals.

Should I do something about it? I don't know! I mean, there was that whole thing in Parliament where I apologised to Canada's First Nations for decades of this kind of treatment. But I can't just make my good buddy Larry fire someone on his staff for insulting an entire people... can I? Being prime minister is hard...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Dear Diary:

Recently, I called an election which goes against the very law that I brought to Parliament two years ago. Don't be upset at me, though, because this election will still be in the spirit of that law.

Fixed election dates prevent governments from calling snap elections for short-term political advantage.

They level the playing field for all parties and the rules are clear for everybody. ... fixed election dates stop leaders from trying to manipulate the calendar simply for partisan political advantage.
This election call is entirely consistent with that statement, because there is no political advantage to be had by calling it now. In fact, just the reverse! This becomes very apparent when you look at our economy. I've presided over one of the most severe economic downturns in living memory!

For example: Look at the Toronto Stock Exchange. Not only has my leadership marked the end of the boom under the Liberals, but we now have the beginning of a serious collapse.

Now that your retirement investments are in ruins, this is the perfect time to start paying more money for gas:

So, your retirement is gone, you can't afford to drive your car, but we're not done with you yet!

With the widespread collapse of the manufacturing sector, you've also lost your job due to layoffs, plant closings, and business failures galore!

And, just like Mulroney, I hope to spend Canada into a whole new level of debt. Just look at my first budget, increasing spending by 5.4%, and then overshooting that budget by actually increasing the spending by 7.5%. My next budget increased spending by 5.6%, and overshot again, spending 6.9% more. In the current fiscal year, I'm increasing spending by 8.4%, and bringing back a deficit just like the Mulroney days!

Ahhh... the Mulroney days...